Randy Mormon

There came one day with great acclaim
A meteoric rise to fame
Utah’s star: big in the game
“Randy Mormon” was his name

This home-town boy’d not travelled far
A most reluctant new rock-star
He’d never even spied a bra
Nor smoked a reefer in a car

You might have thought he’d be the worst:
Only water quenched his thirst
This coltish lad who never cursed
X-Factor winner: he came first!

More LDS than LSD
He had renounced polygamy
But renown led to apostasy
In his pursuit of ecstasy

Prince was his teacher of the dance
Hugh Grant lectured in romance
Clooney how to give that glance
Whilst Cowell kept hold of finance

From Brigham, turned to Angus Young
Immoral tricks of Simmons’ tongue
Renaissance shown in how he sung
Négligées were promptly flung

His band was called the “Sound Conviction”
The members cared for no restriction
Their idioms in shared addiction
They often had the same affliction!

His frantic antics of the night
From mormonite became marmite
Folk polarised just at the sight
If Whitehouse lived she’d get a fright!

This splendid about-turn in fate
The tabloids struggled to relate
Flesh’s desires that he did sate
Daddy’s nightmare daughter’s date!

So this continued over time
Extensive list of petty crime
Licentious displays his gold-mine
Then many a new concubine

But when his life was almost spent
He condescended to repent
Became a gent of moral bent
And tithed the church its 10 percent

His silver mane as leaves to russet
No wailing fans or cast off gusset
The change of style was thus pronounced
As hedonism was renounced

Yet his bowed head did yet frustrate
His peers outraged would remonstrate:
“Heed us you, forked-tongue so late
With blue eye fixed on Pearly Gate!”

Shameful claims could yet disparage
End-move reined by twins of Sverige
Excommunication’s carriage:
“Hello!” revealed his plural marriage!